CATHOLIC HOMEMAKER

The Agony of the Second Wife

Are you whining in a polygamous marriage? Could you be regretting it? Given another chance, would you still get married as a second wife?

If your encounter with Christ has brought forth several questions concerning your marriage as a second wife, I have answers for you. You possibly feel remorseful for getting married to another woman’s husband! Unfortunately, several factors have tied you up to the extent you are unable to walk away from the marriage.

The tears of an innocent now bewildered second wife

Ideally, if a priest would decide to hit the nail on the head, he would look straight in your eye and tell you to quit.

You made a mistake. You’re seeking God’s forgiveness while still living in the entanglement. Your gut feeling tells you your strategy isn’t working.

So, what next?

For those diehard supporters of polygamy, sorry this post is not meant for you.

The bottom line is this: you do not live in sin forever. People change. The transformation comes with a desire to do the right thing. For some sins, it’s just a matter of pulling away. However, marriage is a bit tricky especially if you have lived in it for several years.

We cannot hide the fact that some Catholics are holding the position of the other woman! Let’s try to tackle this by asking a few questions.

How did you find yourself in that marriage?

Did you like it when you got married?

Do you still like it?

You have possibly been dismissed several times in your search for a solution. I don’t support polygamy, but I’ll give you a few suggestions on how to live henceforth. First of all, let’s hear what God has to say!

What is God’s opinion of the second wife?

Becoming a second wife was a go-to place in many communities for the longest time. The subject has always been a big debate in many forums online. In all cases, the way the opinions are expressed has been wanting. Every debate has proposers and opposers! Most proponents are either traditionalists, or they peg their arguments on marriages in the Old Testament.

We all know that Abraham was God’s right-hand man; obedient to the core, yet he married Hagar since Sarah was unable to get children.

Do you know that marrying Hagar was the only thing Abraham ever did without seeking God’s consent? 

Now you know!

Sarah coerced him to marry her, and he did not object!

At this point, you would think that God was happy with this relationship because there is no major reaction to portray God’s condemnation of the act.

But let me tell you, God wasn’t at all pleased!

And here is how!

God agrees with Sarah in Sending Hagar away!

God finally blessed Abraham and Sarah with their son Isaac. Meanwhile, Hagar already had her son, Ishmael, with Abraham. Sarah felt she now had her child and disowned Hagar, asking Abraham to send her and her son away.

Genesis 21:10 – Send this slave and her son away, says Sarah. The son of this woman must not get any part of your wealth, which my son Isaac should inherit.

Aha!

Women will always be women.

Abraham was bewildered; he went back to God for advice.

Here’s what God told Abraham!

Genesis 21:12 – Don’t be worried about the boy and your slave Hagar. Do whatever Sarah tells you because it is through Isaac that you will have the descendants I have promised.

The scripture has spoken!

God did not recognize that relationship!

Where was Hagar expected to go?

Only God knows!

Perhaps sending a second wife away may not look so painful, but what about sending your child away? It was painful, but Abraham had to do it since he had to obey God.

Hagar wandered in the wilderness with her son Ishmael. She resorted to crying when she had no water to give her son as she thought he would die! The boy’s cry attracted God’s attention.

An angel spoke to Hagar from heaven and promised her that God would make a great nation out of her son’s descendants.

God then opened Hagar’s eyes, she saw a well, fetched water, and gave him some to drink.

Hagar’s son lived in the wilderness and became a skillful hunter.

Let’s get back to what you can do.

What to do When You Can’t Quit Polygamy

The best option is to quit. Start all over again, no matter how difficult it is. God provided for Hagar. Why not you?

In reality, many women do not go. They resort to closing their ears to any second wife talks. Others choose to leave the church when the heat is too much, or when they cannot bear the shame. They delicately dangle in life and feel left out. The smiles on their faces hide the frustration they go through.

Anyone who has found herself in a confused state as she mends her life with Christ will understand you. I am one of them, though my case is different.

You have made a U-turn and are looking up to Jesus. Do not allow the situation on the ground to paralyze your efforts. Crying has never solved a problem either. Be bold and face it.

Start a new life advocating for the right marriage. Your first audience should be your children. Remember you are the best example. No matter how much you try to hide your case, they know you are a second wife. If you don’t speak about its downsides, they’ll follow in your footsteps.  

The cost of being the other woman

Experience is the best teacher.

The Best Activists for any Rights are Victims

You are suffering the consequences of your mistake in your marriage. Let not those repercussions spill over to your children. If your daughter understands why she should not be a second wife and finds her husband, you have won. Is that not growth? Have you not impacted some positivity to society?

If you are bold enough to go beyond your family, capture a wide range with your advocacy against polygamy. Only God knows how He works. I’m sure He will reward you for your effort to streamline a good number of people’s lives.

If 10% of women got married as second wives during your time and you manage to reduce it to 5%, you are working for the Lord. He is not a misuser. God pays.

No saint made it to heaven for doing everything. In writing, we choose a niche and concentrate on it.  You can’t take up every course in college. Likewise, consider speaking out against becoming a second wife as your task.

“She made a mistake, learned a lesson, and used her turnaround experience to glorify my name.” You can imagine God nodding His head as He peruses your performance file.

Picture this!

Your friend quickly damped her second wife position for a single man when she realized it was wrong. She never warned anyone against polygamy.

On the other hand, circumstances tied you in a wrong marriage. You reached out to thousands to warn them against finding themselves in a similar situation.

Don’t you think you deserve a piece of the cake?

Thinking of Getting Married as a Second Wife?

No, please!

God disapproves of it right from before the coming of Jesus.

However, God acknowledges that we make mistakes and helps us fix them when we go back to Him.

That’s why He saved Hagar!

God’s compassion for humanity is so deep. It’s our sins that He dislikes.

Try to imagine this!

While Sarah and Abraham’s lives were unshaken, Hagar’s got destabilized before God finally came to her rescue!

Read Genesis 21:1-21 to understand the whole Hagar saga.

The mention of Hagar only resurfaced when God promised her descendants through her son Ishmael. Otherwise, she vanished from the Lord’s lips.

That’s food for thought!

The Magnets in the Second Wife Syndrome

Focusing on the man rather than focusing on God’s intention for marriage.

In most cases, we tend not to have a broad understanding of how we should lead our lives as Christians.

Take note that when Abraham leaned on his understanding, he made a mistake.

The back does not stop at the Old Testament!

We don’t live in the Old Testament era!

What would the New Testament be like without the Old Testament?

The stories in the Old Testament and how God reacted to them helps us digest the teachings in the New Testament.

How Does Abraham’s Story Apply in our Lives Today?

It’s like warning you against taking a particular route because I got mugged while on that road!

Or against buying a particular car because it’s a fuel guzzler!

I can also warn you against going to a particular school since the quality of their teaching is wanting!

Or against buying products of some company as they’re substandard!

What happens when you disregard the warning?

Think about that!

The Bible and everything about it is a school.

The way we lead our lives is an examination.

God is the examiner.

Becoming a second wife is like sitting on a time bomb. It may take years before it explodes but you have to finally struggle with the consequences.

Caution

Do not get married as a second wife expecting to manipulate God by advocating against polygamy later on. You may have to face dire consequences. This post serves those who got into polygamy innocently, through forced marriages, or without a clear view of the Lord’s requirements. How God deals with you, in the end, is justified by the means through which you got into that marriage.

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