It is unheard of for anyone to invest in a marriage only to look forward to its downfall. Couples always expect the first days glam to last forever. Unfortunately, partners usually do not comprehend when the bright future of the marriage changes to dysfunctional marriage. Most of the time, they innocently blame each other for the mishap.

A marriage never moves from good to bad and eventually worse in a day. As the partners gradually pull apart within the same home, they ironically expect a better tomorrow but get disappointed. Knowing what happened when they already spilled the beans leads to regrets. Underneath the smiles lies the unseen cracking union.

What happens behind the scenes?

Yeah! The breakup takes place behind the scenes because they hardly notice the little input towards the division.

They want the marriage but unknowingly lead it to the pit.

To avoid other failed marriages acting as your role models, you need to get to the inner core of what is likely to have led to their breakups. These ten points will keep you alert and help you make wise decisions concerning your relationship.

10 dysfunctional marriage catalysts chronologically explained

  1. Negatively discussing your husband.
  2. Confronting your husband based on suspicion.
  3. Mounting a grudge between you and your husband.
  4. Denying your husband his conjugal rights.
  5. Your husband begins to look around for a place to relieve himself. 
  6. He develops divided attention between you and his new catch.
  7. You catch him cheating beyond a reasonable doubt, pack and leave.
  8. The first few years of divorce or separation look promising.
  9. Your situation converts you to a newscaster against marriage.
  10. Permanent regrets.

Negatively discussing your husband

Some cases are worth the involvement of a third party whereas other cases aren’t. Speaking out has built marriages and destroyed marriages too. Before you mention your spouse, evaluate its necessity and the listener. She will either help you build your marriage or assist you to destroy it.

Women have somehow proved to be consultants by nature. In the process of consultation, comparison creeps in and converts the well-intended discussion to gossip.

You become the first to infringe on your privacy.

A spouse is more like private property. What you say or do as a couple is incomparable to what you do when you engage a business partner, sibling, or friend. Your intimacy begins from your thoughts to your words and actions. Before you make any move, you have to carefully consider its pros and cons.

Looking at what exactly sent you to your friend, it was not even disagreement in the first place, but a mere friendly chat. You walk out of that discussion with an altered mind that makes you approach your spouse with an unusual attitude.

Whether he asks you or not, the tension affects your relationship.

Confronting your husband based on suspicion

You opened the pandora box. Your friend planted some imaginary good qualities of a husband which your husband seems to be lacking. You will effortlessly try to convert your husband to what he is not.

In your friend’s opinion, if her husband cooks, yours should cook too. Since her husband reports home early after work, she expects your husband to do the same. She likes the fact that her husband is an introvert and makes you believe that all men have to be antisocial for marriage to work.

Socializing does not necessarily breed the dreaded habits that break up marriages! If anything, we learn more by engaging with the right people. Good business ideas come from the most unexpected discussions!

After observing your husband for a while, you are likely to confront him with baseless suspicions. You’re likely to become snoopy over his phone discussions and even check his phone for suspicious messages. Coincidentally, you might come across a message that might cut your relationship in the middle.

Your husband will either decide to ignore your allegations, amicably explain himself, or confront you. If he chooses to ignore or confront you, the situation worsens. A dysfunctional marriage begins to unfold although you may not see it.

Mounting a grudge between you and your husband

Since you first discussed your husband with your friend, something changed. It has now spilled from you to your husband. If you go ahead and hold a grudge, you ruin the relationship more. He is also likely to keep you at bay! The essence of living as a couple begins to lose meaning.

Lack of communication finds its way into your marriage. Meanwhile, you keep updating your friend on the happenings in your home. She also keeps adding salt to the injury. You have probably incorporated more toxic friends. Matters are getting worse. The two of you are not in talking terms.

One of you then decides to let go. The relationship gets back to normal for a while. This is where you get cheated yet in the real sense, the devil has carefully knitted himself at the hem of your marriage. The devil has to test the waters with the first step. Whatever happens at this point leads to the next. He is now watching from within.  He patiently waits for recurrent grudges.

The moment you discover something unusual in your husband, you get angry at him again. Your mind is not under your control. Somewhere in your conscience, you decide to do something that appears more vicious.

Denying your husband his conjugal rights

You’re getting to the next level. Denying your husband his conjugal rights is an advanced way of holding a grudge. You have graduated from bad to worse. The mountain that you began to build from a simple friendly discussion is growing. You’re getting to the core of a dysfunctional marriage.

It may look simple in the beginning but even with the best of husbands, a time comes when hell breaks loose. He has tried his level best to ensure your relationship gets better but you are adamant. You have transferred your disagreements from the living room to the bedroom.

Depending on your husband’s personality, he may not want to appear unreasonable. He perseveres in this situation for a while. Meanwhile, you deny him his conjugal rights on an on-off basis depending on the previous factors that led to the rift between the two of you.

It may look normal but the more you deny him his conjugal rights for no apparent reason, the more he walks away yet still within. You begin to lengthen the dry spells. When nature calls, he gets tempted to find a helping hand!

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Your husband begins to look around for a place to relieve himself

We meet so many people in our day to day activities. Some of them make sexual advances, but we decline based on our allegiance to our spouses. We also want to maintain our dignity.

Irrespective of the fact that sex is sacred and meant for couples, we cannot run away from the reality on the ground. Illicit sex takes place much more than we would imagine. The moment your husband dips himself into this hotbed of infiltration, he changes for worse.

Your disagreements graduate from external to internal. It has now moved from your bedroom to another place, with someone who isn’t you. He has defiled the Lord’s temple and disregarded his vows. At this point, it is bigger than it looks.

For as long as you do not know about his extramarital affair, life continues as usual. At this point, he has no intention of divorcing you. He just wants to feel adequately supplied with his needs. There is a possibility that he doesn’t even love the other woman! Maybe he feels sorry within! Without a doubt, he now thinks of someone else besides you. The vows he took are no longer in the picture.

He develops divided attention between you and his new catch

Your husband begins to share his finances with her too. Depending on the type of person she is, she is likely to demand exorbitant amounts. This will eat into your home treasury. Maybe you have realized your bedroom life is crippled but you have no evidence, so there is still no cause for alarm!

Initially, you denied him his conjugal rights. He is now the one denying you your rights not because he has a grudge, but because someone else has stolen his attention. Remember, the devil came to steal, destroy, and kill. It no longer matters whether he gets intimate with you or not.

Your chain of destructive friends may have grown. That suspicion that they initially instilled in you has become a reality. When you reach out to them, they make matters worse. Some of them could be close relatives!

Your husband gets so drowned in this affair to the extent that he doesn’t see the repercussions. He’s not right either; both of you are wrong. The other woman seems to be supplementing what he doesn’t get at home! Irrespective of the fact that he felt guilty of the relationship when it began, that guilt fades away. He even forgets that he owes his responsibility to you, and becomes a bit careless.

You catch him cheating beyond a reasonable doubt, pack and leave

The slowly drifting marriage becomes a dysfunctional marriage. You are unable to comprehend the fact that your discussion with an undeserving friend gave birth to your breakup. Your bitterness cannot even allow room for reconciliation. The devil sends you back to the same people and makes sure they continue to misadvise you.

Your husband’s attempt to make up with you bears no fruit. You are fully decided. Without a second thought, you pack and leave. You keep blaming your husband for the painful new phase of your life. Your little ones have to put up with the fact that their father’s face is no longer in the vicinity.

The initial source of anger does not cross your mind. Separately, you continue to live your lives while the pain kills each of you. He regrets his immersion in the other relationship, but you don’t seem to take any blame! According to you, you’re not the source of the problem.

Your relatives and friends support you. A mother’s pain consumes your mother and she develops hatred towards your husband. Everyone around this whole saga is stressed. They feel your husband has wasted you, yet they don’t understand his side of the story.

Here comes the other way of dealing with adultery. https://healthysoulties.com/adultery-one-of-the-monsters-that-consume-families-in-broad-daylight/

The first few years of divorce or separation look promising

After a while, you get used to living as a single mother. When you hear your husband moved on, it somehow validates his cheating on you. He waited for your return in vain. He is the bad guy in the eyes of your circles.

Marriage comes with responsibility and a need for consultation to partake in some activities. Single life on the other hand is a one-man show. Nobody else matters in your decisions.

Soon, some married man tries his luck on you. He is rich, affords to take responsibility for your children’s needs. He provides beyond your husband’s ability. You become comfortable and get deceived he loves you more than he loves his wife and family. Once again, you begin to glow. The pain that the separation inflicted diminishes.

Meanwhile, your husband already has a child with his newfound wife. You have no intention of getting children with your new catch. Life is just good and your friends can see it. They use you as a practical example to aid the devil in destroying other marriages. In their words “she quit her marriage, and she’s doing much better.” Other people get duped to take your route.

The chain of failed marriages grows from a simple misplaced discussion with one friend. This article helps you understand how suspicion can convert yours to a dysfunctional marriage. https://www.breezystorm.com/suspicion-in-marriage/

Your situation converts you to a newscaster against marriage

When you have moved from grass to grace, you are likely to think it is God’s favor. The favor of the Lord begins on good grounds. We cannot refer to anything that began on mischievous grounds as the Lord’s favor. Never will the Lord link you up with a married man. He cannot go against His commandment that says “do not commit adultery.”

The evil one deceives you with temporary joy so that he gets an opportunity to lead you to the worst state. You are likely to mingle with like-minded ladies. You unknowingly wrecked your marriage and you’re now converting someone else’s marriage to a dysfunctional marriage! It was painful when you learned that your husband had an affair to the extent it sent you out of your home.

Are you anticipating that your boyfriend’s wife will leave her house because of you? Your friend’s wife may not do what you did. Even if she discovers your affair with her husband, she may choose to fight from within. A secret you may not want to mention; every wife dreads a dysfunctional marriage. 

Sooner or later, the man begins to pull away. He has weighed options and discovered your presence disrupts his family’s peace. You have to get moving once again but to which direction?

Permanent regrets

Looking back at your husband, he has no space for you. He tried to make a comeback, but you wouldn’t listen to him. Several years have elapsed. Your children are older. You are aging too.

Your husband has another family. His new wife tries to make him as happy as possible to keep you away from them. She believes she’s all right and tries her best to avoid a dysfunctional marriage. 

Your children know their biological father. They call your ex-boyfriend uncle. Irrespective of the fact that other men are trying to woo you, you find it difficult to give in. Several questions run in your mind.

What will you tell your teenagers?

Who is this new man?

What will they feel about your decision?

It is either you make a stern decision to live a single life with your teens, or secretly engage in an affair without their knowledge. Cat and mouse games are not easy to play.

Through friends and family, you keep eavesdropping to keep yourself informed of the happenings in your husband’s life. Most likely, you’re regretting but want to appear unperturbed.

Your friends have also gone through a myriad of challenges and have each withdrawn. They concentrate more on their personal lives. You are in a self-renewal world. Probably, you’re trying to deepen your relationship with God for consolation.

Summary

Marriage works if only we can implement some level of maturity. Your elder’s dysfunctional marriage needs not to be your point of reference. What you say in your first year of marriage can distribute the rot to your entire life and to other families too. You can imagine how many more people unknowingly wreck their marriages! Watch out! The tongue is too costly.


Judith Okech

Judith is a simple fun loving rib cracker who gets thrilled at the mention of Jesus. Her sole purpose here is to infect you with matters of faith and hope besides running her business and making sure her husband and children enjoy her presence in their lives.  Check out this link for more information about her. https://healthysoulties.com/christian-marriages/

6 Comments

Susan Evans · June 8, 2020 at 7:46 pm

Wow, this looks is a sad progression in a marriage. May we avoid it through letting love cover smaller things at the very beginning, to not drift apart like this.

    Judith Okech · June 8, 2020 at 9:20 pm

    True. The devil is more intelligent than we think. Nice to see you.

Cheryl Shumake · June 8, 2020 at 3:57 pm

If we knew how easily relationships are irreparably damaged in 30 seconds of harsh words we would be more careful. If we really believed we will give an account for every word spoken we would be more reverential.

    Judith Okech · June 8, 2020 at 4:00 pm

    Very true. It’s sad how the journey of our losses begins from our tongues. I’m glad you were here.

Andrea · June 8, 2020 at 3:12 pm

The tongue (wrong use) can damage so many lives

    Judith Okech · June 8, 2020 at 3:14 pm

    Thanks Andrea. It’s safer to control the tongue.

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